Don't Let Stupids Learn You To Fly

Good day all! I find that there seem to be a lot of morons out there who think that, because the government gave them a certificate at some point, they should be flight instructors. To you non-flyers that’s like the 90-year-old who’s blind in one eye, can’t hear, heart “knock-knock-knockin’ on Heaven’s door” who thinks that since he got driver’s license number 4 in 19-whatever he should still be driving his 40-foot land yacht to the grocery store - at 15 MPH. Just because someone told you that you could do it once doesn’t mean you can do it forever or that you’re really even that good at it in the first place.

Those of you who know me well know that I love flying. I have now been involved in it for more than half of my lifetime. It means something special to me, and I just can’t stand to watch the idioti screw it up. Venting complete; on to the “how to recognize the stupids” list. (Note: Venting about to begin again.)

How To Recognize a Stupid Who Wants To “Learn You To Fly”

1. Ok, obviously, if they say “I’m gonna learn you to fly!” or something like it, run in the other direction.
2. You say, “So, what exactly is lift?” They respond, “That’s a complicated aerodynamic concept that engineers need to understand. You just need to know ‘up, down, left, and right’.”
3. They wear a fighter/bomber jacket with patches all over it but actually served as a cook on the U.S.S. Never-Flew-A-Plane.
4. They wear “Aviator” sunglasses and constantly look in the mirror or another reflective surface to see how awesome they look. (Also applies to point three above.)
5. Annoying overuse of the terms “finesse” and “stick-and-rudder” without ever really explaining what either means.
6. You say “...flight simulation...” They respond, “...waste of time...” or (my favorite) “...simu-huh?...”
7. Complete unwillingness to work with you on the ground to help you understand flight maneuvers or concepts.
8. Believes GPS is an unproven, somewhat magical system (like a mechanical unicorn or jabberwokey) that is out to make pilots stupid. (Ironic...yes indeed.)
9. You ask to see the lesson plan for the flight and the instructor either stares at you blankly or insists that “it’s all up here” while pointing to the side of his head.
10. When you catch the instructor in a mistake, he denies the mistake and tries to convince you that you are an idiot because he is the instructor. (Don’t worry, his gigantic ego takes a hit; you just can’t see it because, if you are within 2 miles of his geographic location, you are actually inside his ego.)

So, use this guidance well, and steer clear of bad flight instructors. Find a good instructor who can keep you excited and engaged throughout your training. Become an instructor yourself and join the fight to rid the world of the stupids!