Last weekend she wrote her entire name for the first time. I don't care if your baby genius wrote his name when he was just two. I don't care what you think about her achievement unless you are as proud of her as I am. Congratulations, Harper, on learning to write in your native language. This is an important milestone, and we are very proud of you. Now Daddy's going to need you to write some books for him at work. Thanks for earning your keep sweetie.
Harper has been in preschool for two months, and she's already learned more than we've tried to teach her in two years. Structured learning environments with social interaction are actually worth it people.
Last weekend she wrote her entire name for the first time. I don't care if your baby genius wrote his name when he was just two. I don't care what you think about her achievement unless you are as proud of her as I am. Congratulations, Harper, on learning to write in your native language. This is an important milestone, and we are very proud of you. Now Daddy's going to need you to write some books for him at work. Thanks for earning your keep sweetie. So I have this beautiful face. Everyone is familiar with it. Sometimes hair grows on it, and sometimes I get it tamed. Other times I let it grow freely, like a little self-contained hippie commune on my face. My lovely wife likes to be (purposefully) ambiguous over her feelings for the face monster, but she only seems really concerned when I shave it off into her clean sinks. Therefore, I generally shave outside. (Gotta keep the peace if you want food to eat.)
I was up until 2AM this morning. I would like to say I was being a productive member of society, growing the U.S. economy, and providing important things for my family. I would like to say it, but honestly, I can't. I was playing a computer game. Deal with it. Anyway, I slept well, but woke up to the cruel reminder that (1) I had to take Harper to school, and (2) I had to record video at work today. All that would have been fine if I hadn't woken up at 7:25AM - just a few minutes from when I want to be leaving in the morning. I looked at the creature on my face, we said our goodbyes, and I retrieved the trimmer. Alarmingly, the battery was dead, and I have the one trimmer ever created by infernal man that won't let you just use it on AC power. I knew what needed to be done. I feared it, but I knew. I took up my trusty manual razor, I changed the blade, and I lathered my face Santa-Claus-thick in shaving cream. I knew this was going to be terrible, but I was not prepared for the true awful reality. First pass - grabbed a chunk of fur, yanked it and attached face flesh into razor, razor devoured all it came in contact with. I made a noise. It was quite - if you're deaf. I developed a new plan. Revised plan, first pass - like hot knife through butter. Amazingly, you can actually shave in both directions using a simple back and forth motion. Who knew? Like an emaciated zombie cow my Mach 3 trimmed, cut, and, in fact, shaved my face like a boss. Freshly made smooth like the baby bottom, I surveyed the damage in the sink below. It was bad, no lie. I commenced to rinsing, herding, and forcibly removing at gunpoint any little hair people that otherwise refused to leave the sink bowl for that water reclamation plant in the sky. I shaved, I overcame, and I cleaned up. Fresh off of this victory, I hurriedly completed the remainder of my morning tasks before leaving the house. I even remembered to take Harper with me so I could drop her off at school. Win. Other than having "ouch-I-hurt-face" all day today, it's gone swell. Did a great video filming, ate good food, and now, it's time for some R&R, sans face forest, of course. |
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