So I have this beautiful face. Everyone is familiar with it. Sometimes hair grows on it, and sometimes I get it tamed. Other times I let it grow freely, like a little self-contained hippie commune on my face. My lovely wife likes to be (purposefully) ambiguous over her feelings for the face monster, but she only seems really concerned when I shave it off into her clean sinks. Therefore, I generally shave outside. (Gotta keep the peace if you want food to eat.)
I was up until 2AM this morning. I would like to say I was being a productive member of society, growing the U.S. economy, and providing important things for my family. I would like to say it, but honestly, I can't. I was playing a computer game. Deal with it. Anyway, I slept well, but woke up to the cruel reminder that (1) I had to take Harper to school, and (2) I had to record video at work today. All that would have been fine if I hadn't woken up at 7:25AM - just a few minutes from when I want to be leaving in the morning.
I looked at the creature on my face, we said our goodbyes, and I retrieved the trimmer. Alarmingly, the battery was dead, and I have the one trimmer ever created by infernal man that won't let you just use it on AC power. I knew what needed to be done. I feared it, but I knew. I took up my trusty manual razor, I changed the blade, and I lathered my face Santa-Claus-thick in shaving cream. I knew this was going to be terrible, but I was not prepared for the true awful reality.
First pass - grabbed a chunk of fur, yanked it and attached face flesh into razor, razor devoured all it came in contact with. I made a noise. It was quite - if you're deaf. I developed a new plan.
Revised plan, first pass - like hot knife through butter. Amazingly, you can actually shave in both directions using a simple back and forth motion. Who knew? Like an emaciated zombie cow my Mach 3 trimmed, cut, and, in fact, shaved my face like a boss.
Freshly made smooth like the baby bottom, I surveyed the damage in the sink below. It was bad, no lie. I commenced to rinsing, herding, and forcibly removing at gunpoint any little hair people that otherwise refused to leave the sink bowl for that water reclamation plant in the sky. I shaved, I overcame, and I cleaned up. Fresh off of this victory, I hurriedly completed the remainder of my morning tasks before leaving the house. I even remembered to take Harper with me so I could drop her off at school. Win.
Other than having "ouch-I-hurt-face" all day today, it's gone swell. Did a great video filming, ate good food, and now, it's time for some R&R, sans face forest, of course.
I was up until 2AM this morning. I would like to say I was being a productive member of society, growing the U.S. economy, and providing important things for my family. I would like to say it, but honestly, I can't. I was playing a computer game. Deal with it. Anyway, I slept well, but woke up to the cruel reminder that (1) I had to take Harper to school, and (2) I had to record video at work today. All that would have been fine if I hadn't woken up at 7:25AM - just a few minutes from when I want to be leaving in the morning.
I looked at the creature on my face, we said our goodbyes, and I retrieved the trimmer. Alarmingly, the battery was dead, and I have the one trimmer ever created by infernal man that won't let you just use it on AC power. I knew what needed to be done. I feared it, but I knew. I took up my trusty manual razor, I changed the blade, and I lathered my face Santa-Claus-thick in shaving cream. I knew this was going to be terrible, but I was not prepared for the true awful reality.
First pass - grabbed a chunk of fur, yanked it and attached face flesh into razor, razor devoured all it came in contact with. I made a noise. It was quite - if you're deaf. I developed a new plan.
Revised plan, first pass - like hot knife through butter. Amazingly, you can actually shave in both directions using a simple back and forth motion. Who knew? Like an emaciated zombie cow my Mach 3 trimmed, cut, and, in fact, shaved my face like a boss.
Freshly made smooth like the baby bottom, I surveyed the damage in the sink below. It was bad, no lie. I commenced to rinsing, herding, and forcibly removing at gunpoint any little hair people that otherwise refused to leave the sink bowl for that water reclamation plant in the sky. I shaved, I overcame, and I cleaned up. Fresh off of this victory, I hurriedly completed the remainder of my morning tasks before leaving the house. I even remembered to take Harper with me so I could drop her off at school. Win.
Other than having "ouch-I-hurt-face" all day today, it's gone swell. Did a great video filming, ate good food, and now, it's time for some R&R, sans face forest, of course.
